stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
All I want is dick and wine.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
