shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
