Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
