I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
