Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
