The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize