and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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