Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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