my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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