i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
