I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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