I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
