Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
