hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
