miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
