all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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