I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
