i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize