He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
