Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Less talking, more tequila
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
