There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
