if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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