Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
