I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
