2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my phone needs a breathalizer
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
