she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
