I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
