This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
