i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
