I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
