Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
