i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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