Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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