i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
