Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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