Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
