He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
