Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
