so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
