watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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