Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
