she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize