mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
