I think I won the penis lottery.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
