I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
