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i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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