I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize