I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
