Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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