I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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