His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
