i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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