So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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