I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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