I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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