Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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