I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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