You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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