Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
