Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
she woke up with a sticky ear
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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