Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
