If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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