Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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